Dating Is a Mess. But Let’s Be Honest About Why.

We can all agree on one thing: dating right now feels broken.

The frustration is loud. The burnout is real. And everyone seems to have a villain picked out and ready to blame.

Some blame dating apps.
Some blame men.
Some blame women.
Some blame incels and red pill culture.
Others blame “toxic femininity” and impossible standards.

There is no shortage of fingers being pointed.

But here’s the part no one wants to talk about:
Blame has become a hiding place.

And hiding doesn’t get you into a relationship.

The Dating Blame Olympics

Modern dating discourse has turned into a competition over who’s ruining dating more.

One side says men are emotionally unavailable, addicted to porn, listening to red pill podcasts, and resentful of women.
The other side says women are entitled, unrealistic, unwilling to compromise, and hiding behind empowerment to avoid accountability.

Some people swear dating apps destroyed romance.
Others say society is the problem.
Others say the opposite sex is the problem.

Everyone has a take.
Very few have a plan.

And while these conversations might feel validating, they rarely lead to better dating outcomes.

Blame Protects Us. That’s Why It’s So Tempting.

Blame isn’t just laziness. It’s armor.

Blame protects us from rejection and vulnerability.
It’s easier to point outward than reflect inward.
If it’s “the system,” we don’t have to change our behavior.

Because if you’re the problem, then you might have to risk disappointment again. You might have to admit something hurts. You might have to face the fact that what you’ve been doing isn’t working.

For a lot of people, dating frustration isn’t just annoyance. It’s layered.

It’s fear of being rejected again.
It’s grief from relationships that didn’t work out.
It’s disappointment from trying and feeling like nothing changed.
It’s exhaustion from hoping and being let down.

Blame gives all of that somewhere to go. Ownership asks you to sit with it.

Here’s the Uncomfortable Truth: Some People Aren’t Even Trying

This part is going to sting, but it needs to be said.

Some people are not actually dating.

They’re not putting themselves out there.
They’re not having conversations.
They’re not going on dates.
They’re not making changes.

They’re scrolling. Watching. Commenting. Complaining.

Doing nothing and bitching about dating is not an attempt.
Opting out and staying angry is not a strategy.
Waiting for dating to magically improve while staying exactly the same is not participation.

You cannot complain your way into a relationship.

Dating Doesn’t Improve Until You Take Ownership

Ownership doesn’t mean blaming yourself for everything.
It means recognizing where you still have agency.

And yes, that applies even when you “should have known better.”

Four years ago, I was dating a man for eight months when it came to my attention that he had a girlfriend and was also dating several other women.

Once the shock and awe subsided, I sat down and went through my own coaching program.

For the love of god, I’m a matchmaker and dating coach… how the fuck did I let this happen?!

Instead of staying in blame or embarrassment, I got honest with myself. I reviewed my dating patterns. I revisited my values. I rebuilt the list of traits I wanted in a partner.

I asked the harder questions.
When didn’t I listen to my body?
What red flags did I miss?
Why did I override my intuition?

I took time to heal and process what happened. And when the triggers came up again — because yes, they came up years later — I didn’t ignore them or shove them down. I processed them. I reminded myself that this kind of emotional residue happens when trust is broken.

The good news is this: I identified what went wrong. I stopped carrying that baggage into the next relationship. And I haven’t dated a man like that since.

My nervous system is rejoicing.

That’s what ownership looks like. Not perfection. Awareness. Responsibility. Change.

Stop Waiting. Start Deciding.

At some point, you have to stop consuming dating content like entertainment and start treating your love life like something worth taking seriously.

Blaming men, women, dating apps, incels, red pill culture, toxic femininity, or “the state of dating” might feel validating. It might even feel productive. But it won’t change your reality.

Change only happens when you decide to take ownership.

That means sitting down and asking yourself some uncomfortable but necessary questions:

What am I actually doing to meet someone?
How am I showing up when I date?
What patterns keep repeating for me?
What am I avoiding because it feels uncomfortable or scary?

Dating doesn’t get easier because the culture shifts.
It gets better when you change how you engage with it.

You don’t need to love dating.
You do need to participate with intention.

So yes, dating is a mess.
But staying stuck in blame is a choice.

The real question is this:
Are you going to keep arguing about why dating is broken, or are you finally going to sit down, take ownership, and decide how you’re going to find your person?

Because doing nothing and complaining about it isn’t a plan.

What are you going to do?